


Show Me Fire, Love

by ammyamarant



Category: Hades (Video Game 2018)
Genre: Flashbacks, Implied Sexual Content, Introspection, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Hatred, Sisyphus incident references, background death
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-17
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-25 18:02:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 5,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30093006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ammyamarant/pseuds/ammyamarant
Summary: Death considers Life and the changing nature of all things.
Relationships: Thanatos/Zagreus (Hades Video Game)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 72





	1. Chapter 1

Fire licked at his feet, a reminder of how much things change in a realm of the dead, from beauty to deadly fire. Once upon a time, he could remember playing in the Asphodel Meadows, frockling in a small form among beauty and simple shades. When it started flooding, the lovely fields being burned away, he could remember the pouting of the equally small form next to him, believing his playground to be lost forever.

A form, Thanatos considered, that never grew as it should. Or, at the very least, never grew as Thanatos’s did. He wondered just how well Zagreus remembered those small days. As it was, he also had been quite young, his birth something he remembered being told about. Zagreus had existed for mere decades instead of several centuries or even older. Fascinatingly, the young prince had been even smaller at one point, a screaming form barely able to move, much less communicate. Mother Nyx had tended to the small prince, and it had been even more fascinating as Zagreus _grew_. He didn’t have a form for what he had to do. He was never small to play with Thanatos, yet turned large to do his job. He grew much like a mortal would, or perhaps an Olympian god, given his parentage of the dour Hades and a woman certainly not Mother Nyx. Not when Mother Nyx had spun her children from thoughts and need, not requiring another to seed life.

Now, however, Zagreus had the form equal to perhaps an adult on the surface. Close to the form Thanatos himself took when gathering a soul, in fact. Was this how Olympian gods came into their own? It felt so strange, to have heard the obvious lie that he was another child of Mother Nyx and be so unlike himself and his brothers. Zagreus could not have been their brother. No, they all took on a form easy for the job they needed, and didn’t _grow_ like Zagreus had. Charon took on an imposing form to steer his ferry, and let his words become noise, not needing more than that to ferry the dead. Hypnos remained lithe and barely there, slipping easily through sleep and wakefulness. Perhaps a bit more in the sleep than he should, Thanatos thought with a frown, considering his job in the House. Thanatos himself...

”Ha!”

He was perhaps a bit more influenced (perhaps even distracted) by the way Zagreus raked his gaze over his form than he wanted to admit. Such an imposing form wasn’t usually needed on the surface. Occasionally it would be needed for one not wishing to fall to a gentle death-

~~chains clasped over his wrists and the king only spoke in that soft, kind tone as they bound~~

-but he could have easily taken a smaller form. A kinder form. One still holding the long locks of silver hair that Zagreus had mourned silently with his eyes.

”That’s twenty for me, six for you!” Zagreus told him with a grin, turning to Thanatos and hefting his beloved sword over one shoulder. Behind him, all that could be seen of the last Wave-Maker was a crater from Stygius’s shockwave. A fond smile crossed Thanatos’s face. Something inside him said not to be so open, to show his emotions. Death Incarnate never needed such emotion. It would only be weaponized, a tool to be used against him.

~~rough hands pull chains free no not him he couldn’t let him see~~

”You did well, Zag,” he told the young prince, offering his usual prize. Strange, that Death would give Life, but the centaur heart was all the help he could imagine giving him under his lord father’s gaze.

”Hey, I did more than well,” Zagreus told him, the grin turning slightly wicked. “Shouldn’t I get more of a prize?”

What could he be talking about? Thanatos frowned, tilting his head slightly as he tried to think about what the prize. Zagreus’s grin turned gentle, turning fond as his eyes flicked down- oh. He should have figured after he had almost begged the prince to see him, almost begged him to finally take him as a lover. After that, he should have known what that heat in Zagreus’s eyes meant. He felt his own gaze gentling, and he lowered himself far enough to capture the prince’s lips.

Would he time to do more, Thanatos thought in despair. Zagreus’s lips were sweet, and he knew the noises of pleasure wrenched from that throat were sweeter. Asphodel may not have been the beautiful meadows of their past, but it was still beautiful in its own right. Taking Zagreus here, among the fiery beauty, in the ruins of their small forms’ favourite place. He would sound as beautiful as the first time, Thanatos was sure, perhaps even more. But there was no time. Not with how he was not supposed to assist the prince in escaping. Not with the pull of a natural death distracting him.

Instead, he took one last taste of Zagreus’s lips before straightening up. “I trust that’s enough of a prize?” he asked, the words coming out much softer than he expected.

”Perfect,” Zagreus told him, sounding slightly dazed.

Another smile crossed his face, showing far too much emotion, before he shifted away. He had a job to do, and it wasn’t making the little prince scream in pleasure.

Though, he would certainly take it as a job if offered.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quickly wrote this before doing some savage raiding in Final Fantasy XIV because it wouldn't leave me alone. I can't tell you for sure if there's going to be more of this, but I can tell you here's a new chapter.

Chthonic beings didn’t need to breathe. Watching Zagreus pant, skin shining with sweat and pleasure as Thanatos took one more taste of his lips before slowing pulling out of his well fucked out body, was a marvel to him. The way he smiled as he started to catch his breath made Thanatos lean down to press his lips against his brow, tasting the salty sweat on his skin. Was this breath from his Olympian heritage, he wondered. The need to breathe? Or was it from the strange red blood coursing through his veins, making him need to catch his breath in throes of pleasure much like a mortal would? Would he not need to breathe if proper ichor stained his skin in a flush?

So much about Zagreus he did not know. He had let the prince take him to his bed, near begged to feel his touch in a more carnal way, and yet he did not know the full extent of the godling beneath him, just now starting to come into his own godhood in a strange way. Thanatos rested his hand against that flushed face, smiling as Zagreus leaned into it, his warm breath tickling his skin.

“That was amazing,” Zagreus told him, a blissful smile curving his tired lips. “Thank you.”

“There’s no need to thank me, Zag,” Thanatos told him, unable to keep his stern tone from turning heavily fond. He rested next to the prince, his eyes tracing the lines of his face. He could see bits of his father in him, he thought. The harsher features spoke of his father, while the softer, more gentle ones indicated his mother. But there was a smile that was wholly Zagreus, and a tilt of the brow that belonged to the prince alone. A lovely combination of the old and new.

Zagreus only smiled as he turned to Thanatos. The smile remained as he reached out, gently stroking Thanatos’s short silver hair. “You look good with short hair,” he told him quietly. “Took me a while to get used to it, but it’s really hot. I can see more of your face.” He tilted his head as Thanatos remained quiet, almost adorably as Cerberus would when presented with a treat. “Why did you cut it in the first place?”

~~a figure blurred behind hair tall broad no it was the king again he couldn’t do it again he~~

The quiet made Zagreus sit up slightly, bracing himself with his arm. “Than?”

”It was time for a change,” was all Thanatos would say.

Zagreus didn’t speak for a moment, then shifted to lay back down. “I liked it. I just wanted to know why.”

~~calloused hands pulling the chains free and a voice filled with violence trying to soothe him no not him he would see~~

”Now you know.” His words came out more curt than he anticipated.

He knew Zagreus was far more intelligent than the Underworld gave him credit for. Still not exactly the smartest being roaming the halls, but severely underestimated. His intelligence fell more in the emotion category, and in his rapidly improving combat prowess. Thanatos cursed himself silently as the mismatched eyes took in his face and the tension radiating from him.

”You know you can tell me anything,” he finally said quietly.

Thanatos let out a small, humourless laugh. “There are things I still can’t speak of,” he reminded him. “Don’t take my silence the wrong way.”

”I know. You said that before. Just...” He reached out, taking Thanatos’s gauntleted hand. “You’ve changed. And I want to make sure you’re okay.”

~~souls cried out as the chains fell away he was needed he was late~~

Thanatos tried to summon soothing words, but nothing came to his lips. Instead, he pulled Zagreus’s hand to him, pressing a kiss to his strong fingers. “I love you, Zag. But I can’t talk about this.”

Zagreus only laid there for a bit, his chest rising and falling with the strange breaths. Then, a small nod. “I love you too, Than.”

The tone in Zagreus’s voice almost made Thanatos speak, ask what he had planned, but he couldn’t. He knew the prince would most likely talk to Mother Nyx, ask Megaera and Achilles for advice and anything they might know, perhaps even ask his father if he could stomach the condescending words that would follow. He would learn of Thanatos’s lowest hour, and then in his own thoughtlessly earnest way, try to fix it.

He would learn of the truth.

All Thanatos could do was brace for the moment the strange godling before him lost all respect for him among the horrible knowledge.

Thanatos pressed another kiss to Zagreus’s lips, knowing the time he could take advantage of it would quickly run out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still can't guarantee this will have future updates. But I can say have Thanatos and Ares talking.

Sun.

Thanatos pulled his hood up further, trying to hide more of his face. How terrible the surface was. Why Zagreus kept escaping to the surface- he couldn’t understand why it felt so important to him. It was horrible up here. But he had a soul to collect. A gentle woman, far more important to her village than she expected in her long life. He watched as a young man left her room, using the methods she herself used on the dying to soothe her failing body. For a moment, her head turned to one side and she smiled, as if she could see him floating there. Perhaps she could. But instead of speaking to her, he only drew his sword, cutting her soul from her body.

As always, it reformed into a shining butterfly. For all that changed in the world, the rhythm of his own job didn’t. Reap the souls dying peacefully. No, he amended silently, it had changed. Before, it had been all souls, even as they threatened to overwhelm him. His sisters had taken over the distasteful job of reaping the souls on the battlefield (and in the worst way. He had been sick for quite a while after seeing what they did. Zagreus, barely able to walk, had tried his best to understand why and cheer him up, though, as young as he was, he didn’t seem to understand even the slightest bit of the job and why it hurt so much to see the Keres destroy souls like that). And the rest, the ones Thanatos hadn’t been able to get to, speedy Hermes managed to round up while still performing his other duties.

~~the souls of so many he couldn’t keep up so many had been hanging by the thread only he could cut~~

While his job never changed, to reap the souls of the dead, it seemed it changed quite a bit. He wasn’t quite sure what to think about that now.

The pull of another soul tugged at him, and he shifted to the call. This time, an elderly king rested, each breath more painful than the last. A good man, Thanatos surmised by the soft crying he heard. However, he wasn't the only one in the room. Though the mortals had left the man to his last moments, another immortal stood in the room with him.

”Lord Ares.” The greeting fell flatly in the air as Thanatos only felt weary. He knew why the god would be there in the same room as a good man.

”Lord Thanatos.” Ares bowed slightly.

~~violence filled voice rough hands no~~

”May I assume plans to go to war have already been drafted upon the king’s last breath?”

Ares chuckled, the noise filled with the promise of bloodshed. “They have barely waited for the king to lay down for his last sleep.”

”Hm.” There wasn’t much else he could say. His domain intersected with Ares’s only due to his former presence on the battlefields.

~~i have you no please you don’t don't look at me~~

”How is our death dealing kin doing?” Ares finally asked, his lips slanted in a polite smile. “I’ve heard from Aphrodite that his heart has become entwined with yours.”

”Aphrodite gossips too much,” Thanatos told him, not yet drawing his sword. He knew better than the draw a weapon in front of the god of war. It ended quite poorly. “And Zag- Zagreus is doing quite fine.”

The satisfied smile on Ares’s lips was almost too much to bear. “Ah, I’m glad to hear Aphrodite is correct. Though, I would caution against speaking harsh words against her on the surface, o beautiful Death, lest you find your heart grow cold.”

Thanatos snorted slightly. “I’m aware of Aphrodite’s temper and revenge. There are quite a few shades that could speak with far more authority on the subject than either of us.”

Ares only tilted his head, acknowledging the point. Thanatos waited for him to leave, to return to the warmongering son and guide his hand towards the battles he craved. But instead, the god let his blood red gaze sweep up and down Thanatos’s floating form. “You look well,” he finally said.

~~no not him he’d lose respect not~~

”Is there something you want, Lord Ares?”

”Only to perhaps start a conversation. We haven’t truly seen each other in decades, and your sisters are poor conversationalists.”

Thanatos shook his head. “You wish to have a conversation with me,” he said, voice filled with disbelief.

”Is that so strange?”

He only let out a scoff. Ares was only humouring him. After all, he had seen him in his lowest hour. He had to have no more respect for Death Incarnate, only showing deference towards the job Thanatos performed. He couldn’t actually wish to start a conversation. “I have a job to do.”

”Ah yes,” Ares murmured. “I do suppose I’ve distracted you long enough.” With those words, he bowed one last time and disappeared. To do his own job, Thanatos thought as he drew his sword.

A strange conversation, brief as it was.

Another brilliant butterfly floated next to his face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ... fine it's a story about Thanatos working through his own trauma.

Time drifted around him, a passage that didn’t touch him. All it did was signal when Zagreus would take another trip through his father’s domain, leaving destruction in his wake as he strived for the surface. It didn’t matter much to Thanatos, as his own life, his own job wasn’t tied to any time. Just follow the tug of a soul to be collected.

And yet, now, he was particularly aware of the passing of time between Zagreus asking that question and the moment the truth was revealed. Who would be the one to put it together, he wondered. Megaera had to know about the situation, as she was the one who set the punishment. Would she tell Zagreus? Would another tell him?

He couldn’t dwell on it. But he was forced to, each time he took a taste of Zagreus’s lips. Each time he took pleasure in Zagreus’s body, bringing the prince to his peak. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, waiting for the moment he knew how easily he had been tricked.

Thanatos shook his head, trying to dislodge the thought. He would have time. Megaera wouldn’t tell him. She valued his friendship too much to let Zagerus know. Achilles might know something, but he wouldn’t know the entirety of it. No one else... no. Unless Ares spoke of it, and Zagreus wouldn’t know to ask him. There was no way

~~too bright too much darkness endless darkness mother where are you it’s dark you should see me~~

that Zagreus would even think about asking an Olympian. He wouldn’t think that his kin on Olympus would know anything about what happened.

But now that he was free, with no more souls to collect and the ones he did reap in Charon’s care, he could steal a few more kisses from the prince if he wasn’t out destroying his father’s realm. And if he was, well, it was always fun to challenge him. Zagreus was a much better fighter now, and won more often. With a thought, Thanatos shifted to the House, a small smile playing on his lips at the idea of another challenge in Elysium.

He should check up on Hypnos, he thought, redirecting his shift to the main hall. His brother was doing much better about his work, and he had slowly started to realize just how far he had drifted from his twin. Thanatos went to wake Hypnos, then stopped as Zagreus’s joyful voice drifted to him. He could talk to Hypnos later.

As soon as he turned the corner, he could see Zagreus taking Achilles’s hand in his exuberant way, chattering excitedly about the surface and his mother. Thanatos only smiled, knowing the love Zagreus felt could only be expressed in such a joyful physical way. It had overwhelmed him at times, despite starting to acclimate to the feeling. A fond smile had started to cross Achilles’s face as Thanatos neared, his own lips echoing the curve.

Despite making no noise, Zagreus sensed him behind him and turned.

~~he needed to get out he needed to go _he’d kill himself first_~~

Thanatos took a step back, floating higher than before, as alarm slammed through him as Zagreus opened his mouth, a horrible look on his face.

~~_he needed to get out **heneededtogetout**_ ~~

”Than... I... you... Sisyphus told me...”

Thanatos shifted out, blindly picking a spot on the surface. Away from the horrible knowledge on Zagreus’s face. Away from-

~~_**neededtogetout** _ ~~

He knew.

He couldn’t go home. Not now. Not knowing that Zagreus had learned about his lowest hour, the endless days and nights in darkness, the attempts to escape, how everyone looked like the knave king through his hair and Ares had to keep him from hurting himself further at the thought Sisyphus had returned for more

~~_**needtogetoutneedtodie** _ ~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~

~~~~

~~~~~~~~

and he couldn’t stop it not this time and Ares had seen the god that had given him so much companionship as he learned he had seen

~~_**NEEDTOGETOUT** _ ~~

he couldn’t go home not with Zagreus knowing not with his heart

Thanatos screamed, his knees hitting the ground with enough force the grass under him withered to dust immediately as he wrapped his arms around himself. He could hear the wild around him die, animals falling dead in their tracks as they heard his cry. The very ground under him dying in an instant.

He would stay on the surface. He would reap the souls, and send them with Hermes. He didn’t need to ever return to that look ever again.

He didn’t need to return to that stricken face.

Zagreus looked like he was already looking to replace him in his heart anyway. That couldn’t have been his normal outpouring of love. It couldn’t have been Zagreus wanting to add another to his heart. It had to be Zagreus wanting to replace him.

He could be replaced. With someone less stupid. Less trusting. Stronger.

Thanatos screamed again, curling up so his head touched the dirt.

~~ican’tleave~~


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The scene near the end is fairly ambiguous about what Sisyphus did to Thanatos, and while the language used isn't meant to imply rape, it's ambiguous enough to be uncomfortable in that direction. Just a warning!

He would stay on the surface.

His sword flashed, too bright against the sun, as he severed another soul from their body. Over and over, until he was covered in butterflies. His job, needing to be done. Over and over.

”Hey there, boss. You’re looking a little peaked there. Maybe you should get back down into the House. Deliver these souls to Charon, yes?”

Thanatos ignored Hermes’s words, near shoving the cloud of butterflies at him. Before he could utter another one, he left, shifting towards the tug of another soul. Over and over. He could reap souls over and over, making Hermes take the cloud around him each time.

Over and over.

His sword flashed, searing his eyes with the bright reflection.

Over and over.

Over and-

”Enough, o Death.”

Thanatos blinked, his bare arm caught in an inescapable grasp. He looked up into two angry blood red eyes. “Lord Ares,” he managed, the words scraping out through a raw throat.

~~no he couldn’t see he’d know~~

Ares narrowed his eyes. “You are not the type to throw yourself into your work as such,” he said. “Even when word that our kin was attempting to escape the underworld, you went to confront him. You do not run away from your problems.”

”And you know me that well, War?” Thanatos snapped back. He started to shift, to leave, only for his concentration to break as Ares tightened his grasp to the point of pain. “Release me!”

Rough fingertips lifted his chin, giving Thanatos no other choice than to look up into his eyes. “Beautiful Death, my Lord Thanatos, what became of you?” A bloodthirsty storm clouded his blood gaze. “Who has taken advantage of your good will once again?”

”I didn’t think you had enough respect for me left,” Thanatos snapped.

Ares’s fingers fell from his chin, allowing Thanatos to look away. “I see. And why, Lord Thanatos, would you believe I have lost respect for you?”

~~he knows he can see _he can see_~~

”You know why.” The words came out quiet, not as sharp as he wished. He felt so tired. The sun hurt.

Ares stood there for a moment. Then, slowly, he let him go. Before he could say anything, Thanatos shifted away, blindly picking a spot. He pulled his wrist close as he landed hard on his knees, trying to will away that look he had seen. Ares had been there. He had seen the chains holding him down, how he had been gullible enough to allow himself to be caught by his own chains, the state he had let himself be in-

Thanatos flexed his gauntleted hand.

Slowly, he looked up. The only thing he could think of was safety as he shifted through realms. He scoffed as he realized what he had done when he saw a very familiar bedchambers, almost artfully messy. Before Zagreus could see, could realize he was back, before he could hear Zagreus tell him he was nothing for letting Sisyphus take advantage of him like that.

Strong hands grabbed his shoulders. “Tsch. You look like hell, Than. Didn’t think I’d see you like this again.”

He looked up. “Megaera?” Had she come to ambush Zagreus and take him to bed again?

Most likely. He was interrupting her. He needed to go.

Megaera’s eyes roved over him, hard and calculating. Once she was done, she shook her head. “You’re an idiot,” she told him. “You and Zag both. Come on. You’ve been out on the surface too long. Surprised you’re even awake, to be honest.”

”No. No, Megaera, I can’t. I can’t stay-”

With a quick motion, she hauled him up, keeping him upright easily. “You need rest, Than. You won’t get any here with Zag. Come on. I’ll take you to your room.”

He didn’t have the strength to fight her. She was right; he had been out on the surface for too long. But not long enough. If he was still-

~~he’d kill himself first no he can’t~~

”I’m not going to ask what happened,” Megaera said, pulling him forward. “Zag has already moped around the House enough to know it has something to do with you two idiots. And I wouldn’t be surprised if it was something he said.”

”He knows.”

Megaera, to her credit, didn’t stop walking. “Than...”

”He asked about my hair. I- I didn’t answer fast enough. Sisyphus-”

”Come on.” They entered his room, and she dumped him onto his bed. He fell backwards, not able to keep himself upright, not even truly able to shift to lay proper on the bed. She paused, then sat down next to him. “I don’t do ‘soft,’” she told him. “I care a lot about you, Than, but I don’t really do comforting things. I punish people. So I don’t really know what to say. I can’t exact punish Zag for this. But I don’t want to see you hurting like this.”

Thanatos looked away. “You know what Sisyphus did.”

”I know why he’s in my care, yes.” He felt her hand on his hair, awkwardly stroking it. “I don’t know what he did to you. I don’t honestly care. He’s scum and I don’t need to know any other reason.”

Something prickled at his eyes, making him close them tight. “He tricked me.”

”Hey. Like I said, I don’t need to know.”

”He _tricked_ me.” The words burst out, unable to be kept in. “And now Zag knows. That knave told my Zagreus exactly what sort of gullible fool he took to bed! How low I had fallen at his words!”

Megaera slapped a hand over his mouth. “Enough, Than. Get some rest. I’ll talk to Zag. Though... I don’t think he sees you as a fool. I don’t think he could ever seen anyone he loves so much as a fool.”

He opened his eyes, looking up at her.

”And he loves you, Than. Don’t ever think otherwise.” She removed her hand. “And if I find out you’re trying that stupid surface thing again, I will drag you down to Tartarus myself.”

”Meg...”

She stood, tilting her head to look down at him. “… I missed having you here, Than. We all did.”

He looked away again.

She awkwardly patted his head, then he could hear her leave. And even if she hadn’t made her threat, he quickly realized he couldn’t leave. Not with how tired he was. He could close his eyes, let sleep take him, let Hypnos ease him into unconsciousness. But he knew what awaited him there.

_King Sisyphus was kinder than he thought. Almost worried about his fate. He looked at the chains with concern, asking if they hurt. For it would be terrible if they did. How did they work?_

Thanatos swallowed.

_Like this, he had told the king. The cuffs clicked shut around his own wrists easily, and he tugged to show how unbreakable they were. In that instant, the king had changed, and his hands pushed him. Pushed him down._

His jaw tensed.

_The darkness had been smothering. It had beat in around him, as well as the insistent tug of souls, and pain. So much pain. It had hurt, and it still hurt. It still hurt._

He needed to go- he needed-

_Through the veil of hair he had seen that shape. Thought it was the knave king again, desiring more. But a voice filled with violence and rough hands spoke of something much worse. A god. Ares. He freed him, his touch oddly gentle as he unlocked the cuffs and pulled the chains away._

He couldn’t-

_Even now, through that now hateful length of hair, he still saw King Sisyphus where Ares should have stood. His sword- he grabbed it, thoughtlessly pulling it free. But his hand couldn’t hold it anymore, and he dropped it as another sword levelled at his throat. He drew a weapon in front of War. He-_

A scream built behind his lips.

_He-_


	6. Chapter 6

Sleep was impossible. Not with the memories surfacing each time he closed his eyes. It should have all been behind him, Thanatos thought, despair filling each word. Other than the random fleeting emotion reminding him of that low moment, he should have been past it. Zagreus commenting and inquiring about his hair shouldn’t have done anything. He had done it before. Why did it impact him so much now?

It didn’t matter. He waved off any attempt from Hypnos for rest. It wouldn’t take that long to shake off the effects of the surface and then he could-

Megaera’s words echoed in his head. She would drag him down to Tartarus herself. Most likely not, as she was as bound to the underworld as the rest of them. But she could easily pass word to the Olympians through Zagreus to find him. And she would be waiting at the Temple of Styx, ready to drag him down to her own punishment.

Thanatos closed his eyes, only for them to snap open at a phantom pain to overtake him at the darkness. It hadn’t bothered him for so long to be surrounded by Mother Nyx’s element. So why now? Why could he not bear darkness?

He should be feeling better. Thanatos tensed, trying to sit up, not even able to fully lift his back off the bed. Frustration grit his teeth and clenched his hands. He hadn’t been out on the surface for that long. Not for him to be this weak.

He hadn’t even been this weak after

~~they all looked the same they would take him throw him back into that~~

what had happened.

Someone entered his room and he turned his head, ready to tell Hypnos no, he would not let him make him fall asleep, only for the words to die on his tongue at the sight of Zagreus standing there, an unreadable look on his face. “Zag...”

There was nothing else he could say. He could see the wreck he was. He couldn’t hide it anymore.

”It took three nectar for Sisyphus to tell me,” Zagreus finally said, his voice very quiet. Very small. “All he would tell me before was he knew you, and he was also sad you cut your hair. The third nectar, he slipped up and told me he was sorry what he did to you. Thanatos, I almost believed he was sorry.” Something choked his voice. “Then I asked Meg why he was there and- I feel so stupid.”

This... was not what he expected. “Zag.”

”I should have been there. I should have stopped him, should have-”

Thanatos shook his head. “You could barely hold a sword then. And you’ve learned now you can’t live on the surface. It... wouldn’t have changed anything. I would have still been tricked.”

”He took advantage of you.” The words came out strangled.

The way he said it made Thanatos pause, made him look away.

Zagreus came closer, the slight hissing of his burning feet on stone reaching his ears. The bed dipped slightly as he sat next to him. “Why did you cut your hair?” Zagreus asked. The same question. But different.

Completely different.

Thanatos swallowed. “All I could see was a form past my hair. I saw everyone as him, regardless of build, as I could not make out anything. Because of that, I was brutal when I was freed. There were so many souls that hadn’t been collected, and how I severed them from their bodies was... terrible. I even drew a blade on Lord Ares as soon as I was released. How he didn’t run me through immediately, I don’t know.

_”You know better to draw a blade on War,” he heard Ares say idly. But he couldn’t listen. There was so much he had to do. He had to get away. The king would come back and_

His gauntleted hand flexed.

Zagreus reached out, looking down at him silently before touching the hand. Thanatos nodded, and the prince started taking it off. A sharp inhale filled the air as his hand was bared. Withered, black, barely holding onto bone. He had considered taking the skin off at one point, but he hadn't. He had lost enough of himself.

”Does it hurt?”

”No. Not... anymore.”

_He tugged on his bonds, trying to reach out as well as he could. The cuffs bit deeping into one wrist as he tried to shift, tried to get enough leverage to use both hands._

At those words, Zagreus gently threaded his fingers in with his. “So you cut your hair to not see him anymore.”

Thanatos nodded, remembering how he had hacked at the strands.

_”There you are, Lord Thanatos.” Ares’s voice nearly made him flinch. He turned, his now freed vision allowing him to see the war god proper. And to see the disapproval on his face. His heart sank, realizing how low Ares must have thought of him now. “Quite the vision you make. Wild.”_

_He was mocking him. “What do you want, Lord Ares?”_

_”Merely to see you again. You have been very busy. Lord Hermes has told everyone about he has been asked to ferry your souls to your brother. Commendable, how much work you have created.”_

_Even Hermes knew._

”Megaera helped me,” he told Zagreus. It was true. She had taken the wild cut and shaped it into something respectable.

”I didn’t know Meg knew how to cut hair,” Zagreus said, almost to himself. Thanatos didn’t respond, letting the words be as they were. Instead of saying more, Zagreus carefully squeezed his hand. “Ares was worried about you, you know. He thinks... you think he doesn’t respect you. He does, by the way. He respects you a lot, and wants to talk to you as soon as you’re well enough.”

”Oh.”

That had to be a lie.

Zagreus pulled his hand to his lips, pressing a kiss to the dead skin. “And I respect you too, Than. What happened... it wasn’t your fault. Sisyphus almost got me too. The only reason why I wasn’t tricked too was because of Meg. He’s... really good at that. What he did was...” He shook his head, lowering Thanatos’s hand. Mismatched eyes caught his, intense with anger. “He hurt you. That is unforgivable.”

The furious tone made Thanatos look away, unable to take the force in his weakened state. “I need to rest,” he said.

”I’ll get Hypnos.”

”Zag... please don’t. When I sleep, I’m back there. I can’t do it. I’m not-”

~~i’m not strong enough~~

”What if I’m here?” he asked quietly. “You’re not alone, Than. I’ll always be here. I love you.”

Thantos looked up at him. “You shouldn’t have to see me reliving my lowest hour.”

Zagreus sat there for a moment, eyes dancing over his face, before he nodded. “I love you,” he repeated, not yet letting go of his hand.

”I love you,” Thanatos echoed.

His hand wasn’t released for several minutes, Zagreus sitting there and watching him as if he needed to savour every moment as if it was his last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "why does this bother me so much" because trauma recovery isn't a straight line and will hit you hard when you think you've gotten a handle on your triggers and have it behind you
> 
> poor than


End file.
